Keep the Receipt
by eternite z
Summary: What do you do when someone sends you a present you don't want? Tell them you love it, tell them you hate it? Throw it away? Zack can't decide.


**Author's Note:** I don't know why I wrote this. I'm not even sure if it's funny. It's more on the corny side, if you know what I mean. ^^; Oh well, I felt like making a short, one chapter fic, so...here it is. 

Keep the Receipt

A knock at the door. 

A knock at the door at 5:00 in the morning. 

...A knock at the door at 5:00 in the morning on a Saturday. 

"For godssakes!" Zack groaned, falling out of bed and standing up dizzily. "Who IS IT?" he yelled, walking closer to the door. 

"UPS!" a man responded. 

"Huh? Universal Pig Squealing? I'm sorry, man, I don't have a pig to enter into the contest." _Although I could get one..._ he thought, putting a hand to his chin. 

"Um...sir, this is the United Parcel Service. I have a package for you." 

"Oh. ...**Oh**!" Zack exclaimed, opening the door for the deliverer. He was greeted by a clipboard and pen. 

"Sign here, please," the man asked. 

Zack blinked once, trying to clear his vision, then signed his name neatly on the line. (Well, as neatly as one can at 5:00 in the morning.) 

"Thank you, Mr. ...Zack? Sir, I need a last name." 

"Is that my package?" he asked, pointing to a small brown box. 

"Why, yes, it-" 

In one clean swipe, Zack knelt down, picked up the package, and retreated back into his apartment, locking the door. 

"HEY!" the UPS man protested, banging on the door. After a couple minutes, he grumbled something angrily and walked off. 

Zack was too intrigued by the gift to notice the ruckus the man was making and started toward the kitchen. "Lessee..." he said, pulling a knife from a nearby drawer. He stabbed the package, with a little _too_ much enthusiasm, then swiped it down the center, cutting away the tape. The box was filled to the brim with packing peanuts. So many, that it took a couple of minutes to find anything inside. 

It was... 

"...Toe socks," he mumbled, completely confused. "Black and gold striped toe socks." He threw a few more peanuts on the floor, searching for a card to see whom it was from. "From Great Aunt (once removed) Tootsie," he sighed, flipping the paper over so he could read the entire letter. 

_Dear Zack,   
Hi, sweetie, how have you been? Are you doing a good job killing people? Are you **proud** of what you're doing?? Are you??? I told your father when you entered SOLDIER that you would go straight to H-E-double hockey sticks for working for those Shinra goons! Why don't you quit? Why can't you be more like your brother? HE works for a quiet little mortuary -_

Zack furrowed his brow. "I think we can skip that part..." He shook his head in annoyance and turned the piece of paper over. 

_- that's why I'm sending you these adorable little toe socks! Aren't they the cutest thing? I'm hoping they'll convert your black-hearted soul. _

PS: You promised me you would cut your hair. I want a picture, young man! 

"Oh, geez." Zack scratched the back of his head, remembering the promise he had made to her before he left for SOLDIER. He never actually _planned_ on cutting his hair...she was 93 years old, he figured she'd die soon and he wouldn't have to go through with it. Well, now she was 98 and still kicking...and still asking him to cut his hair. 

Zack took another look at the black and gold striped toe socks. Now what should he do? He had to send a thank you to his great aunt once removed, but if he told her he liked to socks, she might send him more. 

"Dammit." 

With any normal great aunt once removed, this wouldn't be such a big deal...but no one knew Great Aunt Tootsie like Zack. She was completely insane. Of course, his entire family loved her. Zack knew better, though... His family never saw what she did when she _thought_ she was alone. He caught her conversing with her chocolate pudding once! And at Halloween, she made two sock puppets get into fight! 

That was another thing. Socks. She was obsessed with socks. Most children fear getting underwear on their birthdays. Not Zack, he feared getting socks. And Great Aunt Tootsie ALWAYS gave him socks; ankle socks, knee-highs, those ones with the pom-pom on the back. His parents must have been blind, because they always thought it was "So cute". 

Zack shivered, happy for a moment to be away from his eccentric family. It would just be rude to not send a thank you, so he'd mail her one soon....yet the socks... "What the hell do I do with these?" 

______________

General Sephiroth; he always knew what to do! 

Oh. Well, except for that one time when Zack wanted to build an aquarium so he could sell lobsters to restaurants. Sephiroth wasn't really sure where to start and he must have been embarrassed about it, because he got this strange look on his face and walked away from Zack pretty quickly... 

Zack wrinkled his brow. That was _still_ the fastest he'd seen anyone walk. 

"Hmm..." He stopped for a moment, then shrugged it off and knocked on the general's door. 

"Come in." 

"Hey, 'Roth!" Zack greeted. 

Sephiroth didn't look up. "Go out." 

Zack laughed half-heartedly and came closer to Sephiroth's desk, a ball of cloth neatly hidden behind his back. 

"Can you do me a favor?" he asked innocently. 

The general involuntarily shuddered. He loathed that phrase, especially when it came from Zack. "What's that?" questioned Sephiroth, looking up from his reports. 

"What's what?" Zack asked, turning around. 

"...The favor, Zack." 

"Hmm?" He turned back to face him. "Oh! Look, could you bury these somewhere?" Zack held his clenched fist containing the socks in front of Sephiroth. 

"Bury them?" the general repeated, raising his eyebrows. 

Zack sighed in annoyance. "That's what I said, ya got a hearing problem?" 

General Sephiroth squinted his eyes and gave Zack a death glare. 

"Er...I mean...yes...please," he stuttered, nervously tapping his foot on the floor. 

Sephiroth grunted and took the item from Zack's hand, unfolding it. "...They're toe socks," he said bluntly. 

"Yeah..." 

"Why should I bury them, are you making a time capsule?" 

"No." Zack shook his head. 

"Are they radioactive?" 

"No." 

There was a brief silence; Zack not wanting to explain and Sephiroth utterly confused. 

"Okay...." Sephiroth spoke, raising an eyebrow. 

"My great aunt once removed sent them to me. I don't like 'em," said Zack, cringing. 

"...So you're going to bury them," repeated the general, making sure he heard right. 

"Yeah!" 

"Why don't you just return the item?" he suggested. 

" 'Cause my great aunt once removed bought them last February! Now it's too late." 

Sephiroth handed the socks back to Zack. "Then give them to the poor...or that weird kid with the spiky blonde hair. I'm sure he'd like some glittery toe socks." 

Zack thought it over, but then drooped his shoulders. "No...Cloud might put them on his hands or over his head and suffocate or something." 

Sephiroth nodded his head slowly. "True." 

"Y'know, I never did like my great aunt. She's too nice. And she's quiet. You know what they say about the quiet ones!" 

"Oh, please," Sephiroth groaned, leaning back in his chair. 

"No, I'm serious! Remember a while back when all those bank robberies took place? The robber was a quiet guy named 'George'." 

"Zack. George was a mute." 

Zack looked to the left, then back at Sephiroth. "What's your point?" 

Sephiroth straightened, throwing his hands in the air. "My point is you're not making a point." 

"Oh." Zack paused momentarily. "....Well...she **is** scary." 

The general sighed deeply and rubbed his temples. "Yes, I'm sure she is." 

"So...I guess I'll be leaving now." 

"Fine." 

Zack trudged to the end of the room and silently opened the door. "You sure you don't wanna-" 

"NO." 

"Alright, alright! Your loss, not mine," he grumbled. 

______________

Zack was running out of ideas. He _would have_ given them to the poor, but his car didn't have enough gas to get into town and he didn't have any spare change to pay for that gas. He had enough gil to ride the bus...but only one way. 

"Argh..." he groaned, frustrated with the situation. Maybe giving the socks to Cloud wasn't such a bad idea... Zack crossed his arms over his chest, pondering that. 12:30, he noted, looking at the clock in the hallway. Cloud would be in the cafeteria. 

Zack quickened his pace, hoping to get there before lunch was over. As soon as he walked through the doorway, his eyes landed on a small blond-haired teen, finishing his hamburger. 

"Heya, buddy!" Zack greeted, pulling an unsuspecting soldier from his seat next to Cloud. Zack ignored the grumbling from the young man and sat himself down. 

"Er...hi, Zack," Cloud responded, watching the soldier leave, agitated. 

"I got a letter and a present from my great aunt." He paused. "She doesn't like that I'm in SOLDIER." 

"Really?" 

"Uh-huh." Zack looked to the floor, hoping to play on sympathy. "Most great aunts would be **proud** that their great nephew was serving his country... Not my great aunt once removed, Tootsie." 

"Oh. That's too bad, Zack. How did she send the present?" 

Zack stared past Cloud at a white wall and sighed. Did that _really_ matter? "UPS." 

"Umbrellas Posing as Snails?" 

"No, Cloud. The United Parcel Service." 

"Oh," he said, nodding in understanding. 

"Anywho...that's why....that's why I can't keep these toe socks she sent me!" Zack whined, in mock sadness. He covered his eyes with his left arm, holding the socks in front of Cloud with his right arm. "They bring...painful memories! If only SOMEONE would take them away from me! If only SOMEONE was kind enough to get rid of them!" 

Cloud stared at Zack. Then at the toe socks. Then at Zack... "Um...I could...er...take them for you." 

"Would you **really**?" 

The younger man shrugged his shoulders. "Sure." 

"Thanks, Cloud! You're the best friend ever!" Zack yelled, throwing the socks in his direction then running as fast as he could towards the exit. 

Cloud watched blankly as he left. What was the big deal? He looked down at the socks in his lap and picked one up, inspecting it. 

"......" 

They were just toe socks. 

"......" 

All...black and glittery gold... Now that he thought about it, they were actually kind of pretty. 

Cloud looked around cautiously, making sure no one was watching. "...This little piggy went to market..." he whispered, tugging on one of the toes. "This little piggy stayed home..." 

The End!

**Author's Note:** Oh, geez, I bashed Cloud again. o_O I really _do_ like him, but it's just so easy to poke fun, y'know? And I've never laughed at my own fic, but the part about Cloud putting the toe sock on his head and suffocating, I found hilarious. ^__^ Can't you just picture him with a gold-glittery toe sock over his head, gasping and running into things? Heh...Erm...Okay. ^^; I think I have a problem. 


End file.
